I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been feeling like I’m starting a psychotic episode of some sort for awhile now, I don’t know how long or when the feeling came about but its been at least a few months. Its different though because, compared to other times and even though I’ve had lingering symptoms that would suggest something is more than not right, its felt so minimal to me that I really haven’t given it that much thought or concern. I mean, its not like I have a problem with being crazy or having a psychotic episode. I welcome it because I’m crazy and because, for the most part, it makes sense to me. Things that don’t make sense can easily be brushed off.
Mental illnesses are not like they used to be. With advances in technology and the creation of the internet, people can be more informed and have a better understanding and realization that something is up, what is happening, what to expect… a little common sense, even if you are psychotic you can have common sense I truly believe that because I am a living example of that… it used to be that people who are mentally ill have what is called a lack of awareness. That is not necessarily so anymore.
Drawing upon my own personal experiences in the past few years, people who are mentally ill or even having a psychotic episode can have an awareness.
When I had what I consider to be my first psychotic episode, in the moment, I was aware that something was different but I didn’t consider it to be odd. Everything seemed normal in regards to things going on around me. The issue was what was going on in me. In the moment, I was aware that something was physically wrong with me I just wasn’t aware that it could have been somatic delusions because I didn’t know about things like that at the time and I don’t think I was completely comprehending things I was reading and what a hallucination actually was.
Before the dawn of the internet, I knew of conditions like schizophrenia as I had met a man with paranoid schizophrenia though I didn’t know that he had the condition at the time because he just seemed odd to me and I don’t know how to deal with people and their delusions, I still don’t, and I just listened and didn’t try to change his mind, I nodded and agreed while full knowing that he thought things that were not actually true.
I can’t say I had heard the word hallucination but I can say with certainty that I thought a hallucination was something that a person was physically seeing and/or hearing. I have learnt from experience, and from finally comprehending what I was reading, that is not necessarily true. It is also not always true that it is a scary experience for the person having the psychotic episode and, if it is a scary experience, it is not always because voices are saying mean things to you or trying to talk you into killing yourself.
I had some weird shit happening to me and around me and some crazy as fuck thoughts that, even though I couldn’t explain it, I took it to be normal and true. Looking back on things, there are things I consider to be true and other things I just can’t explain even though it doesn’t make sense and I consider it to be true. Looking back, I can also recognize that certain things that happened were due to delusions and hallucinations but I still accept it as being true because it happened. If something happened, even if it was all in your head, it still happened because I felt it happening. You can’t just say something isn’t true because it was all a figment of your imagination because it is still a memory. And it doesn’t matter to me if it was while in a dissociated, frozen state where the memory fragments are broken up and wrong because if you look at each part of an experience in an individual context of separate experiences they all still happened.
I’m an odd person though. I wouldn’t mind at all if I were to have a sight hallucination or hear voices. Its the somatic delusions that kill you because you’re actually feeling it even if its not real and even if you can think yourself into believing that it is possibly a delusion you still have to feel it and live with that until it passes.
One of the hallucinations I had was of voices whispering in the corner of my room. I’m thinking all sorts of weird shit and I know that the voices aren’t real. But I welcome that, it wasn’t scary like what I had read, they were whispering and I couldn’t make out what they were saying so I cocked my ear and tried to make out what they were saying. My thoughts were and are that I don’t care if they say bad things about me or what not, I just want to know what they are saying because I’m nosy like that. And the oddest thing. I was in the bathroom a few times and I could hear music in my right ear coming from the bathtub very clearly. It was the chorus, over and over, of “Club at the end of the street” by Elton John. I had not thought of that song, or even heard it, in forever. So I can actually hear singing and the lyrics but I couldn’t make out what the whispering in the corner of the room was and that’s shit. So not fair. But the thing is that I heard the voices, knew they weren’t real, but accepted it in my mind as being real so I think that could be considered lack of awareness. But I sometimes wonder why I, being so smart and all, would know something is wrong and either not question it or question it but accept it as being real and fact.
For example, and jumping into the really crazy deep end of the pool, during this episode (which lasted at least a week or so, I think) it came to my realization that I had either no blood in my body or very little, so little that a person could not be alive. Part of it was due to the fact that I had no heartbeat or pulse so after some consistent checking I came to the conclusion that I could not possibly be alive. I felt like a walking zombie. I remember walking down the road, on my cellphone with my husband, asking him how it is possible for me to not have a heartbeat and no blood in my body and no pulse and still be alive and walking. It was a seriously surreal feeling.
So I essentially questioned the thought, overlooked any reasonable logic, thought I had no blood in my body and not very long to live but that I was essentially dead and while I wondered how it was possible I accepted it as being true and real. In fact, looking back at it all I know certain things like that were a delusion but I accept it as being real because, in that state, I believe that I had no pulse and that I was going to die. I did have very little blood in my body. I don’t care what any Dr says or if they argue otherwise saying its not possible because it was possible and it did happen. So fuck them.
I’m going to sign off now but I may write more on the subject later.