Feeling nothing while feeling everything. Not everything that is good though.




Do you feel like someone is watching you? Its simply an illusion. Its just clouds, clouded by misperceptions.


I guess I’m really just fu**ed up

Sometimes when I think on it I feel really fu**ed up. According to Doctors, there is technically nothing wrong with me with the exception of severely low iron. And lactose intolerance, though it truly doesn’t take a Doctor to figure that out. I’m also intolerant to a lot of other things, food related, but the Doctors haven’t diagnosed that. I’m not stupid though, I can feel how my body reacts to different foods on a regular basis. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out nor does it take expensive tests that aren’t always accurate.

One thing that bugs me about Doctors is when they say sh** like “Everything can’t be wrong with you”. When this was said to me, in the moment, I thought to myself that they’re Doctors and they’ve never heard of multiple organ failure, there went my trust in Doctors and the medical profession right out the door. I was not proclaiming to have┬ámultiple organ failure. They said that everything couldn’t be wrong with me and I thought of multiple organ failure, association, and truly if you have multiple organ failure then everything sure the hell is wrong with you and you’re gonna freaking die most likely. Actually, thinking on it all, I would not have even been saying that everything is wrong with me because that would have been me telling them I had various conditions. At that point it was all symptomology and yes you sure as hell can have more than one symptom. That’s how they are supposed to narrow down what’s wrong with you, no? But its rhetorical. I know they’re idiots.

It also bugs me with doctors who say that nothing is wrong with you and that’s its all in your head. Well doesn’t that mean that something is wrong with me? Its just so stupid the way people think sometimes. They act as though what you’re feeling physically is invalidated by the fact that its actually psychosomatic and you’re not feeling actual pain, you just think you are. Yet, despite that it can’t be better accounted for by an actual physical illness or seen on a test, you still feel that pain. But its all in your head. Well tell that to my cramping gut, maybe it will stop hurting, doofus. Like what the fu**?

And then the Doctors who chalk everything up to depression. Or anxiety in current times. Though if you have anxiety they will give you an anti depressant.

I can’t even think on this anymore right now. Doctors bug the heck out of me.

Jumping right in

I’ve been forever thinking that I need to start blogging. The problem is that I usually think the blog posts in my head and never actually get around to writing anything. So here’s to stopping procrastinating and I’m hoping I can actually stick with it.

I never know where to begin. Its not only the first post that’s the hardest. Its the ones that follow, as well. Its getting started and following a coherent train of thought. When you do manage to piece together a statement of sorts sometimes what happens is that people still think you’re crazy. Often because they don’t subscribe to the same thoughts as you do. Mostly, and not to seem rude or narcissistic, they’re just stupid. Or not necessarily stupid but they just don’t grasp even the most seeming basic concepts.

Its all perception, really. Everything that happens in the world around us, through our eyes, is our perception of reality. Other people, seeing the same things at the same time, can have a completely different perception and a different reality; but ┬áreality, none the less. And of those two realities, one is deemed normal and one is deemed abnormal. That’s one of the problems in the psychiatric field. They base normal on their version of reality, their perception, their take on it. Yet, they are themselves abnormal in the eyes of someone else, so how can they begin to try define what is normal?